I have to admit that today is really hard for me. My heart is pounding a million times a minute. I'm shaky and breathing just hurts. I am so confused and frustrated. I just can't believe that this is happening. Two weeks ago Emily should have had her radiation treatment. This should be over. But it's not, there will be more surgery and the nodules that are now in her lungs (where did they come from? when did they get there? why didn't they see them before? is the "slow spreading" cancer spreading fast? is it going to keep spreading?) I just don't know how to wrap my mind around this. There are so many unanswered questions.
I had a really bad panic attack last night and I am just thankful my husband woke up to help me through it. This uncertainty, waiting, and this unknowing is killing me. I just don't understand why they didn't get everything out the first time? Why they are waiting SOOOOO long to figure out what the next step is going to be? Why if this is the best and easiest cancer to cure aren't they curing my daughter??
I'm sorry for sounding so negative. I haven't lost my faith in God or anything like that AT ALL just the energy to keep my heart on Him (and this is how I feel today, in this moment). I want so much to be His faithful servant and to just be strong and lean on Him and believe with all of my heart all of the time that Emily is in His hands. I want to feel safe in His loving arms. I want Him to whisper to me that He has everything under control and to just trust Him always. I want to hear Him say Emily will survive this!! I want to feel brave. I want to not feel so afraid. I am so tired and I just don't know what to do. I just want my baby to be ok. I just want this to be over.
This is my prayer!!!!!!.....
Lord, I don't want to waver through unbelief regarding Your promises, but I desire to be strengthened in my faith and give glory to You, God, being fully persuaded that You have power to do what You promise. You credit this kind of faith to Your children as righteousness!
(Rom. 5:3)
Father, continue to bring me along so that I can also rejoice in my sufferings because I know that suffering produces perseverance. (Rom. 5:3)
Lord, in my heart I plan my course, but You determine my steps. (Prov. 16:9) Life is not going as planned. I am so grateful that You are not caught off guard. You knew everything that would befall me. Please direct my steps as You determine. I need You, Lord. Carry me when I cannot walk.
I want to trust You, Lord, with ALL of my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways I will acknowledge You, and You will make my paths straight. (Prov. 3:5-6)
I choose to cast my cares on You, Lord, and You will sustain me. (Prov. 55:22)
Praying God's Word
by Beth Moore
Praying God's Word
Friday, April 07, 2006
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30 comments:
Crystal,
I SO wish I could be there to just sit with you and hold your hand. If you wanted to cry together, I'd do that with you too.
My heart ACHES for you and even though I know there is nothing greater that we can do for one another, it still feels almost shallow to say, "We're praying for you." But, we are - and my prayers now will be focused on those who ARE close to you gathering around and being the hands and feet and arms - the very BODY of Christ.
In HIM, the ONE in whom we focus all our hope and trust!
Dawn C
Oh Sweetheart, I just hurt for you. I'm still praying, and you (all) are constantly in my thoughts. *hugs*
Hang in. Doubt just shows you are human but praying like that shows you are a strong Christian human, which is so much better.
May the Lord heal Emily. He is still in the business of healing. I will continue to pray for her. Keep praying - speaking God's Word outloud - weild the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.
I just found out yesterday that I'm totally cancer free: My story is on my blog: www.homeschoolblogger.com/JeannieFulbright
Let me know if you want to chat anytime. Email me!
Crystal..I understand how rough it can be on you and I hope it is over soon, of course you would worry about your loving daughter, it's so natural. I have many friends praying and wanting to know what is happining. I have sent them your blog. Hang in there!
Love Missy & Charlie
Hi Crystal
Uncle Jeff includes your blog in his emails to all of us to keep us posted.
I am so sorry you are going through all this, and most of all sorry that Emily has to endure this.
I don't have any words of wisdom for you...I just want you to know we are all thinking of you and praying.
Karla (Betty's daughter)
I was listening to the Casting Crowns song, "Praise You in this Storm" this evening, and I couldn't help but think of you. I opened the jacket to copy the lyrics for you and found this:
"If there ever were a test of our faith -- if there ever were a test of the motives of our worship -- it is when a storm rolls into our lives. We watched and prayed for a precious little girl named Erin Edwards for several years. The courage, the witness and the worship of Erin's mother Laurie inspired this song. Sometimes God calms our storms. Sometimes He chooses to ride them with us.
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen"
and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
Chorus:
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God
Who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Crystal, God is with your family and so is my constant prayer. We love you guys, and lift you, Scott, Emily, Frank, and Madison up to Him daily. May you find peace and opportunities to praise HIM in this storm
I've been keeping up with your situation for some time. Just wanted to say there's some people in Clover, SC praying for sweet Emily.
We'll keep you in prayer as well. Panic attacks are very scary to go through. I've only had one but I'm trusting that the Lord has delivered me from them.
God bless.
Crystal,
Having these feelings would be the natural course to take. Don't be hard on yourself. You are so wise to speak God's word at this time, placing all your trust in Him. Our family will continue to speak these same words of faith along with you.
God's favor on you,
Christy :)
I am crying for you... I'm so sorry...
Lord, I lift Crystal up to You Lord... hold her and give her strength. Heal Emily and spare her little body. Protect her and guide the doctors with wisdom to know what to do. May Emily, Crystal and Scott cast their fears and burdens on You and may they find hope and peace in You.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
I'm hurting with you dear sister...
Amy
Dearest Crystal,
Continue to reach out to our Loving Heavenly Father and the many wonderful family and friends you have. They are what will lift you up and carry you along this journey.
I know the days seems as dark as the night... Jesus IS the "Light" through this dark tunnel you feel around you.
If you can purchase a cd collection of your favorite bible... NIV...NKJ... simply listen to God's Word. As you lay down to give it all to Him... close your eyes and hear His words come alive. I find such great comfort being in a quiet place and placing my ear phones on while His word comforts... teaches... reminds me of His abundant love. Let that precious time take you to a place where the enemy can't go. I promise you... you will rise up to a new day with a greater sense of God's presence.
You are thought about and in our prayers each day.
**Lots of Hugs**
Deborah
You are in my prayers. I can not imagine your pain and grief in this time of waiting.
Take comfort in knowing that the Lord your God is in control of this and that He is always with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you. Take refuge in the shadow of His outstretched wings and lean on Him,lay your head on His shoulder and pour out your heart to Him........He is faithful we are sure of that. Just hold on and also remember all of us who have all of you close on our minds, hearts, and in our prayers.
God bless you Crystal
Kelli
I am so sorry and so sad, you all. We will pray even more diligently.
Don't feel ashamed of your feelings. Nobody here is going to judge you. I hate when Christians try to make other Christians feel less faithful because they are having a low moment. We have ALL been in low places and God will be faithful to scoop you up.
I continue to pray for your peace!
Love,
Sadie
I'm sorry you are having to grow through this. This song came to me as I read through your blog.
((((())))) hugs for the family
YOU RAISE ME UP
You Raise Me Up
Lyrics by Brendan Graham
Music by Rolf Lovland
sung by Josh Groban
When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up... to more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up... to more than I can be.
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
And I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up... to more than I can be.
You raise me up... to more than I can be.
Crystal,
My heart cries with you. O Lord, have mercy on Emily, Crystal, Scott and the whole family. Trust in the Lord and persevere in prayer. My friends and I will pray along with you.
The Lord be with you now and always.
Blessings,
Ai Boon
Sending hugs and prayers from across the pond!
I am so sorry for all that you and your family and your daughter are going through. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. I pray that God will enclose you in His loving arms. Through the many comments here, I see him speaking to you. He does love you and is telling you so through many voices.
God bless.
From the mouth's of Sonny and Cher..."I got you, babe."
We went to look at puppies again last night....Jeff's smitten.
Whenever I think of you, I pray for you...which is alot! I love you all so much!
May God's glory be revealed to Emily!
Thanks to kodiak, I now have Josh Groben in my head..."Hum, hummmm, you raise me up!"
Good song. Guy sings with nice hair.
Crystal, I know I am not in your shoes, and I know this is probably easier for me to say than for you to do, but think about the season. Think about what Jesus done for us so many years ago. That crown of thorns was for your peace of mind in a time like this, and those stripes that Jesus bore were for Emily's healing. Claim you promises.
I am going to claim another scripture, the one where we are told where 2 or 3 are agreeing on any one thing it shall be done. You, me, and all of these other bloggers fulfill this promise, so God is going to move.
Muster up your faith and keep me posted. I like to know what is going on so I will know exactly how to pray against the enemy. Prayers, Traci
P.S. Sorry so long.
The comment above was posted by: daybydaygrace. I don't know what is going on, but it did not want to let me post, Traci
I hope everything is going OK with you and your little girl. I came across your blog a while ago and haven't seen an update for a while. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you here in California.
Hi Crystal & family! Just wanted to come back by here and let you know I'm still praying for Emily and keeping all of you lifted up in constant prayers .... I can't even begin to tell you how choked up and emotional I get whenever I'm here reading your blog and seeing all these great pics of you & your beautiful family ...talk about smiling & crying at the same time! My heart is with you all.... In the meantime, I'll keep praying for miracle after miracle after blessing after blessing for all of ya'll!!! I know our God can do ANYTHING!! : )
With ALL of His precious Love,
Leslie
Stay strong, I will continue (as I am sure many other people are too) to lift you and your family up to the Lord.
"LET THE MORNING BRING ME WORD OF YOUR UNFAILING LOVE, FOR I HAVE PUT MY TRUST IN YOU. SHOW ME THE WAY I SHOULD GO, FOR TO YOU I LIFT UP MY SOUL.
PSALMS 143:8"
Praying today that your mourning be turned to dancing!
You must have heard the test results by now and we all are looking, every day, for an update on your blog. Have you had any new news?
Much Love Missy
Well done!
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